my melancholy
entry no. 4 ⸻ seasonal considerations
Sometimes the sadness comes. A tear wells in the corner of my eye and finds rest on my waterline. With a blink, it drops, gliding across my cheek. Clinging to my chin, suspended above the ground, the tear resists departing from my body. I feel its fear. I hold my palms out, telling the tear it is safe. You are a part of me, a part that has taken a different form. I will nurture you. I will carry you with me. It is okay you exist. Then, taking its time, the drop drips into my palm.
Here, this tear is a sacred entity. It is a physical manifestation of my emotions existing outside of myself, taking up space in this world. I stare down at my hands, observing the droplets of salt. In this way, my sadness can be seen. It is precious to me. Only now can I treasure how I feel – by looking upon it. A form of self-empathy extends in ways that can’t be experienced without this tear. For when sadness exists within me, I can’t seem to understand. Inside it is not a tear but nonpictorial swirls and anchors and darkness. It is composed of many things, from the present and past. Its composition is an amalgamation of memories stored in the innermost crevices of my body, unable to be seen, only felt.
I stare into the convex distortion of images reflecting off of this tear. I see the ocean, the elder rocks on the shore. I can make out this place, this motherland. I see the cut on my right knee. I don’t remember the physical pain. The cut appeared, suddenly. Though, it seems to have always been a part of me. Remnants of this memory are preserved on my body in the form of a scar. I remember tracing the ridges of raised tissue as a child. Ah, so this is what it is like to heal.
Say My Name — PACKS
Say my name, say everything
Tell me you need me too
A short and sweet song, but I find it quite atmospheric. There is a setting I associate with this song — it is chilly and pleading. Wrapped under sheets, the solstice nears.
Randy — Big Thief
To be honest, I just really like the guitar on this. I also just generally enjoy the production on this, with the intermittent ambient noise behind enveloping Adrianne’s voice. Big Thief always knows how to take us to their own little world.
Anacortes Has a Secret Love — The Microphones
The field recordings are perfect to me. This song feels a bit like an interlude while still standing on its own, complete.
Thank you very much for reading. This one is a bit more succinct today. Hope ya don’t mind.
Also — you can find the sort of movies I’m watching or books I’m reading or music I am listening to here.
See you next year,
Kailie (12.15.2023)